


Why Zayn really wasn't in Orlando

by sshhdonttellanyone



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mention of Suicidal Ideation, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:31:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2648762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sshhdonttellanyone/pseuds/sshhdonttellanyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The real story of why Zayn wasn't in Orlando.<br/>Warning: the first part of this was incredibly sad to write. The next part wasn't. Stick with it, it gets all happy and that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Truth Begins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CupcakeCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeCait/gifts).



"What's the real story then? Why's Zayn not here?"  
"He's this close to leaving," Harry answered Lou's question, indicating with his thumb and forefinger.  
"Oh god! Why?" Lou's brows furrowed together, her hand coming to her mouth in a gesture of genuine shock.  
Harry sighed and sank into the hotel sofa, his shoulders dropping. He didn't know how to answer. Lou was practically in the band but she didn't see it all, didn't completely understand the pressure and feeling of being constantly in the spotlight. Of having teenage girls sending you declarations of undying love and knowing that they actually believed it, the feeling of responsibility that gave you towards them. These kids you'd never meet or know or have a laugh with telling you that their lives were awful and you were the only thing that got them out of bed, the only thing that brought them any joy. The constant feeling of eyes on you no matter where you where. Of no one else getting it. No one else but them _could_ understand. They weren't just a boyband, they were a phenomenon. Of course other bands had been bigger, better, more musically important, but none of them had been at the hight of their influence when the technology of today was around. Anywhere they went they had their picture taken by the public and their location tweeted in seconds. The paps need only look on Twitter to find them, not to mention psychos. Out of all of them it sat least comfortably with Zayn. Always had. And now, four years in, on the launch day of their fourth album, Zayn had had enough.  
"The hassle has started outweighing the benefits I guess." Harry offered eventually.  
"Shit. You ok?"  
"Nah man. I'm pretty fucking far from okay. Simon told him to take a few days, properly think about what he wants and stuff. We're all to leave him alone. Which is killing me. I hate the thought of him dealing with this alone, of not being there for him."  
"He's not alone though is he? He's got Perrie."  
The name slices at Harry like a scalpel. Perrie. He's tried to like her, he really has. And one on one she's fine, she's not a bad person or anything. But since she and Zayn got serious he's seemed so miserable. Even Ant and Danny pointed it out to him, told him he was going too fast and to chill a bit. Zayn hit the roof and cut them out. Completely stopped seeing his two oldest and best friends. Perrie did nothing. If it was Harry he'd have made sure Zed sorted it, would've rushed to reassure Ant and Dan that he'd never hurt their friend and that their love was for the long haul. Harry doubted Perrie even noticed. Sometimes, just occasionally, he wondered if she was using Zayn to boost her profile. Then he'd feel terrible for thinking such things. As if. Zayn was beautiful, not just his looks but his soul. He looked at the world with the eyes of an artist, seeing beauty everywhere. He got all upset over a fish dying once for fucks sake. If you were lucky enough to be loved by someone like that, there's no way you wouldn't cherish and return that love.  
"I don't know if she's even in London at the moment."  
"You're gonna call him aren't you?"  
"Of course I am."  
"Don't. Harry love, just leave him be. He needs space."  
"You know what he's like though. When he's left to his own devices he gets all cynical and insular. He gets anxious and all dark and turned in on himself. Zayn needs people."  
"Is that your way of saying Zayn needs you?"  
"Well he does."  
"Oh Harry."

Theres no answer, the phone just rings out, not even going to answerphone. Yeah he called him. He promised Lou he wouldn't and at the time he meant it. Then he got all nostalgic and started looking back over the early entries in his notebook.  
Those early days seemed to be full of Zayn, filled with Harry's musings and supposition as he tried to figure the older boy out. 

Harry had been in awe of Zayn since the second he'd met him. He was just so cool, everything he did done with minimal effort but still wonderful, oozing with an easy grace. But something didn't ring quite true with Harry and he spent a good long while watching him, trying to figure him out. That's why they shared a room right from the off. They slept together on his mum's pull out bed, when they'd stayed there between Simon's Judges house and the lives, ostensibly so Zayn could have access to the garden whenever he wanted to smoke but more because Harry was enthralled. He knew now of course that Zed was acting, was incredibly insecure and worried about what others thought of him. Harry had seen it first. He was always the first one to see things when it came to Zayn.  
The more he read of his notebook, the more uncomfortable he felt. Like he was missing something. Something that once he realised would change him. And when he felt unsure of himself like that, when he was seeking solace, it was Zayn he turned to. Zayn who was hurting. Zayn who was making a major decision that would change him. Zayn who was facing it all alone.  
"Sorry Lou," he muttered as he reached for his phone and hit Zayn's name. 

 

Zayn sighed and muted his mobile, pulling the landline out at the wall. They had been ringing none stop for the last few hours. He couldn't deal with talking to anyone at the moment. He felt sick to his stomach, a near constant feeling these days. It wasn't that he didn't love the boys, the team or the fans because he did. He was just starting to feel as though he was loosing his mind. He was anxious all the time, he questioned himself all the time and worried about others all the time. People generally thought it'd be Harry who brought about the end of the band but the guys all knew better. Zayn knew that Harry would never, could never, be the cause of disappointment for so many people. They were an industry employing hundreds not to mention the legions of young girls who called themselves directioners. Harry really wasn't joking when he talked about pulling a Jagger, keeping on trucking till he was old and wrinkly. Zayn wished he could do that, would love to just get over it and carry on. But had not the strength. Not anymore. He saw no other way out of his funk than to stop. Stop and redesign his entire life.  
Perrie didn't agree. He'd spoken to her about it the night before.  
"I just can't do it anymore. I wake up in the morning and the thought of getting out of bed, of facing all the hoopla and nonsense makes me want to pull the covers over my head and ignore the world. But I can't, so I cry. For ten minutes every morning I cry of sheer exhaustion and a weary heart."  
"Bairn I know it's tough but it's the job. You've just had time off, it's taking you time to get back into it is all."  
"It's not that Pez, it's really not. I spent the whole break dreading going back to work. Dread. That's the main component of my life. And I can't do it anymore. I just can't."  
"You're being crazy! Are you really going to throw away everything because you're feeling a bit blue?"  
A bit blue. Those were the words he took away from the call. A bit blue. How did she not hear what he was saying? How did she not understand the pain he was in? 

There had been a frantic knocking on the door for the last five minutes, his heart beating with every bang. When it stopped he breathed a sigh of relief and took some deep breaths to try and bring his heart rate down. He was sitting on the edge of the sofa, dressed it the same sweatpants and T-shirt he'd had on for the last three days, with his head buried in his hands breathing like he was at a lamaze class. And thats how Harry found him. 

"How did you get in?!"  
"I got Perrie's PA to bring me a key."  
"Right."  
They looked at one another for a long moment until Zayn's face crumpled.  
"Oh sweetheart!" Zayn heard Harry exclaim before he was wrapped in his friends arms. "You poor thing. That's it, let it out brother," he murmured soothing things over and over slightly in shock at how much Zayn was sobbing. It was scary. He was scared for Zayn and the longer it went on without any sign of abating the more he worried. 

Zayn eventually wore himself out and fell asleep. Harry lay him down on the couch and put a throw over him, stroking his cheek as he left to make some calls.  
The first person he called was Trisha.  
"Harry! Hello love, how're you doing?"  
"Hullo Mrs M-"  
"Harry! I've bloody told you about that Mrs M business."  
"Sorry _Trish_. Erm I'm with Zayn..."  
"Is he alright?"  
"Not really. I think he could do with a visit."  
"What's going on?"  
He explained about the question over the band's future, about how unhappy Zayn had been lately.  
"I'm on my way."  
"Tomorrow, it's too late for you to come tonight. I'm with him, he'll be fine. I'll make sure he's fine."  
"Thank you darling. Does Perrie know?"  
"I assume so, he hasn't been hiding it or anything."  
"I'll call her and find out what's happening. She should've told me though."  
"I dunno Trisha, I don't really talk to her."  
"I'm surprised Ant or Dan haven't been in touch to let me know."  
"You mean you haven't heard?"

 

"Harry?"  
"I'm in the kitchen man. Want a drink?"  
"Thanks."  
Zayn watched as his friend brought him a cup of hot tea. He felt cold all the time these days so he wrapped his hands around the warm mug gratefully and offered Harry a weak little smile.  
"How're you feeling mate? Any better?"  
He didn't answer straight away instead taking a moment to really look inside himself and see.  
"A little. Thank you."  
He meant thank you for coming, thank you for letting me get all that out, thank you for not hating me, thank you for not asking whether or not I'm planning on fundamentally changing your life and most of all thank you for being you.  
"Don't be silly. I'm staying here tonight by the way."  
"You don't need to-"  
"Shut up bro, I'm staying and that's that."  
"Thanks."

As the night wore on Harry felt increasingly more worried for Zayn. He was spending a lot of time staring off into space, and his body langue was closed off.  
"Zed sit back mate, c'mon." He pulled the boy back and into him, so Zayn's head was resting on his shoulder, and put his arm around him. Zayn snuggled into his embrace and Harry could feel how quickly his heart was racing.  
"Zayn? What's wrong? Why's your heart beating so fast?"  
"Is it? It's always like that."  
"Dude that's not good. Look at me."  
Harry held him by the tops of his arms and had him breathe with him. Long slow breaths designed as a calming exercise. It kind of worked, bringing his BPM down a little but not quite enough for Harry's liking.  
"How long have you been feeling like this? With your heart and everything?"  
"I dunno, a while?"  
"Have you been to a doctor?"  
He shook his head, avoiding his friend's eyes.  
"Tomorrow. You can't go on like this. Speaking of tomorrow...Ant and Danny are coming."  
"What?"  
"I spoke to your mum, don't look at me like that! We're all worried about you. You can't make this decision alone, you need people around you at the minute and I thought they're the perfect choice. They have no stake in the band, they only care about your wellbeing. So do I but I realised talking to me about all this might be difficult for you. They're your oldest friends. They love you."  
"But I was so horrible to them, I won't know what to say."  
"The reason we thought of them is because you don't have to say anything. Not to them."  
"Why are you here?"  
"What do you mean? I was worried about you that's all."  
"You've not come to talk me into staying?"  
"I'd never want you to do something you were unhappy doing. That's not the kind of band I'd want to be in. On the other hand I also wouldn't want you to rush into any decisions you may regret. There's no rush Zayn, just take the time to pause and evaluate what's the best thing for you. Don't think about the rest of us, you need to decide what you want."  
"You're amazing. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You're a true friend Harry Styles."  
"Always brother."

"Right mate, you stink. You need to get in the shower. Now."  
"Can't, don't have the energy."  
Zayn's movements had become more and more sluggish, his eyes more and more unfocused, his speech slurred. Harry made a decision.  
He made his way to the bathroom and started running a bath, pouring some Jo Malone bubble bath into the running water.  
He bundled Zed into the bathroom, stripping him of his crumpled and stained clothing, lowering him into the tub. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt before grabbing a shower puff and squeezing body wash onto it. He felt an errant tear roll down his cheek as he first scrubbed his friends back then lifted his arm to clean underneath. Zayn was listless and lifeless and it was fucking heartbreaking. He closed his eyes for a moment and gave himself a talking to, 'pull it together Harry, the last thing Zed needs is you loosing it. This is about him. You have to be strong for him.'  
He took a shaky breath reached for the shampoo and in a faux jolly voice made a silly joke,  
"Thousands of girls would kill to be the one washing your hair like this. Lucky me 'ey?"  
"That feels good." It was the first time Zayn had spoken without being asked a direct question for a few hours. Harry started quietly crying again out of sheer relief.  
"Glad to be of service. Lean back so I can wash this out."  
Zayn acquiesced, dipping his head back whilst Harry scooped water up in cupped hands and let it fall in a cascade to wash away the suds. He repeated the action several times until he felt a small kiss on the back of his wrist.  
He paused unsure if he'd imagined it. He glanced at Zayn who looked confused,  
"Did you just...?"  
"Yeaaah."  
"Right."  
"Sorry. I don't know why-"  
"Don't worry about it. Odd boy."  
Then he heard the most beautiful noise, a noise that had been absent from his life for far too long. The mellifluous laughter of Mr Zain Javeed Malik. 

Once Harry had dried him off Zayn allowed himself be led through to the bedroom and some clean underwear pulled on him. The whole time Harry softly talked to him, a kind of running commentary on what he was doing. The words washed over him their meaning lost but the soothing baritone of Haz's voice eased him, made him feel sleepy and, for the first time in a long time, calm.  
He found himself in bed, Harry pulling the covers over his shoulders, tucking him in like his mother had done when he was a child. It didn't feel strange or uncomfortable, instead bringing an innate sense of peace.  
"G'night love, sweet dreams," Harry whisperered before kissing him on the forehead.  
"Stay?" He'd spoken before he realised what he was saying.  
"I'm staying mate don't worry. Just going to make up a bed on the sofa."  
"Stay in here with me?"  
Harry watched him for a long moment, his brows pulled together in that way they had.  
"If that's what you want."  
"It is. I want it to be like when we used to share a room and we'd always end up sharing a bed because we weren't used to being away all the time yet. You were the only thing to make me feel at home. You still feel like home to me."  
Harry stood staring for a while before unbuckling his jeans and stripping down to his pants.  
"Move over then." 

Lying there like that with Zayn in his arms was making Harry feel very strange. Not a bad feeling but strange none the less. The boy looked so peaceful in his sleep, so young and pure and it made Harry's pulse race. He wished Zayn could be this still all the time, that he could find his centre, pause occasionally and just _be_. Harry usually meditated for twenty minutes every morning and night, which kept him grounded. It was forty minutes in the day when he let all the crap melt away, it reminded him that he was just another soul, part of the collective consciousness, nothing special, no better no worse than anyone else. Maybe he'd teach Zed in the morning, before breakfast. He definitely needed to get some sustenance in him, he'd lost so much weight recently. Then he'd have to call the lads, explain where he was. The last thing they needed was another missing member.  
"Harry?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I can't tell you how much it means that you came. I don't think I'd have wanted anyone else."  
"I wouldn't have let it be anyone else."  
"Not even Pez?"  
Harry took a deep breath before replying.  
"Well maybe her. I'm sorry it's me and not her."  
"No, don't apologise. It's you I need right now. Not her."  
And with that Harry realised what it was that he'd been trying to ignore.  
"Oh fuck!"


	2. Faultlines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really nervous about this. Sorry if it sucks. Warning smut.

Zayn awoke to find Harry as stiff as a board beside him, close but not a single part touching him. His eyes were wide open staring at the ceiling and he was chewing on his thumb. Classic Harry in worry mode. It must be his fault.  
"Sorry." He mumbled, unsure if Haz even wanted to hear it.  
His words seemed to snap Harry out of whatever that was.  
"What're you sorry for mate?"  
"I dunno, you had your worrying face on and I figured it was probably my fault."  
His friend turned on his side and reached out for his hand.  
"Please don't think like that. I hate to think of you blaming yourself for everything. Do you know how often you apologise? All the time, like constantly. Please please please stop. Anyway I wasn't worrying, just thinking of lyrics actually."  
"Can we do some writing tomorrow? I'd like that."  
Harry's answering smile was enough to temporarily raise Zayn's spirits. When he smiled like that, especially after he'd been frowning, it was like the clouds parting and sunshine beating down on your face. His whole face lit up, and Zayn smiled in response. Perhaps his first genuine smile in months.  
"I'd love to write with you. Ant and Dan aren't coming until the afternoon so we could spend the morning playing round with a guitar and hashing out some lyrics."  
"Thank you."  
They hadn't stopped holding hands and neither of them made any move to do so. It felt right to Zayn, to have Harry's large hand wrapped around his. They used to hold hands all the time. He remembered how odd he'd found it at first, this lad who would walk around holding Louis' hand. Then he noticed it wasn't just Louis but Liam and Niall too. It was only him that Harry didn't do this with. It started to consume him, this need to know why he'd been singled out. It didn't feel like a deliberate slight, Harreh was always lovely to him, and they shared a room all the time so it made no sense. Rather than ask him about it and potentially cause a scene Zayn just grabbed Harry's hand one day, during an interview. And Harry smiled at him like he was the most important person in the world,  
"Why have you never done this before?" He asked later that day, gesturing to their entwined fingers.  
"Figured you were too cool to want to."  
"No, I like it."  
"Good." It was around that time they'd started cuddling in bed in lonely hotel rooms, sharing their fears and hopes for the future.  
Now as they lay in bed holding hands just like they used to, Zayn felt just as safe and protected as he had back then. 

'Put it out of your mind. Now is so not the time to discover you've had feelings for your friend for four years.' Harry told himself, unable to believe he'd not realised until now. His hopelessly straight _engaged_ mate who thought of him as a brother and happened to be severely depressed.  
But it had always been there, he could see that now. An undercurrent of attraction and a depth of feeling that surpassed fraternity, which had only grown stronger over the length of their friendship.  
He glanced across at a once again sleeping Zayn before checking the time on his phone. 5am. Doing some quick mental arithmetic he figured it wasn't too late to call Lou in America. He crept out of bed and let himself out into the garden. 

"Harry? Where the fuck are you?!"  
"London."  
"You went to Zayn's place didn't you?" She sighed "How is he?"  
"No good Lou, not good at all. I've got some of his mates coming to stay with him this afternoon and I'm going to try and get him to agree to see a doctor. It sounds like he's clinically depressed and maybe has an anxiety issue."  
"Oh god the poor kid."  
"Yeah."  
"You ok?"  
"Not really...Lou I've realised something and it's freaking me out."  
"You're in love with Zayn."  
"You knew?!"  
"Of course I did. Always have. So have Gemma and your Mam."  
"Why didn't you tell me?!"  
"We thought you knew and just didn't want to talk about it! It's pretty obvious dude."  
"Lou it's horrible. I don't want to feel this way about him."  
"Nothing has changed, you're just more aware of yourself now."  
" _Everything_ has changed Lou. And it really hurts."  
"Oh sweetheart."  
Harry felt himself getting dangerously close to breaking down, so made his excuses and said goodbye to Lou, telling her he'd get a flight that evening and to cover for him. 

Harry had gone. Zayn had driven him away. He'd lost him. Harry had looked into him, at all of his dark twisty bits, and he was disgusted. Zayn really couldn't blame him. He was disgusted himself. He was laying on his side thinking this when he heard a bang and a hissed _shit_.  
"Sorry! Fell over my own feet again." Suddenly Harry was in the doorway, rubbing at his elbow. And before he knew it Zayn was on his feet and in front of him, throwing his arms around his mate.  
"I thought you'd gone," he said it over and over, relief like he'd never felt before flooding through his veins making him shake.  
"Never. As long as you want me I'm here."  
"I love you man."  
The silence was deafening.  
"Harreh?"  
"I adore you Zayn. Always have always will."

They got back into bed and debated whether or not to bother getting up yet.  
"We could start writing?" Zayn offered which Harry took as a great sign.  
"Cool."  
In bed they lay Harry setting his phone between them to record.  
"I've been playing with this one thing, it just won't seem to go away, there's no hook or chorus yet but..." Zayn announced shyly.  
"Show me," Harry coaxed. Zayn was always shy about sharing his songwriting, mainly because it was so un-1D and was never used. He'd always loved it though. It was a rare opportunity to see Zed laying himself bare. Zayn closed his eyes and began;  
"A waste is something I was never sent to be,  
The future holds things that I was never meant to see,  
What I'm trying to say is that I'll be dead eventually,  
And memories will be the only evidence of me,  
Now that makes you everyone else's best attempt to see,  
Exactly who I was,  
That means you're testament to me,  
You might not have the same features or complexion as me,  
But you are by far the best reflection of me,  
I promise.  
D'ya know why?  
I love the friendship we struck up,  
It's funny how it snuck up,  
Funny how it's stupid  
when everyone else is stuck up,  
I love it when we fuck up,  
Laugh at every muck up,  
You're behind every ounce of courage that I can pluck up,  
Cause you know me when I'm _that guy,_  
Love me when I'm brock up,  
Help me when I'm racking my brains trying to get my luck up,  
Look I need you.  
I could never decide to just go and move,  
And if you feel the same way it's time to show, Improve. 'Cause...

Whether it's making us money or spitting fire in the booth,  
My number one goal is inspiring the youth,  
Please don't let this life make you cold,  
Look you're far too young,  
You're never way too old to love,  
I was given this world I didn't make it,  
But I can make it better,  
How does a legacy last after they forget us?  
Just make sure your love is the greatest ever,  
Take this weather,  
The rain germinates the seed and the sun comes out and in turn makes the leaves grow,  
But it's the gardeners job to terminate the weeds though,  
Everything's going to be fine,  
Just breathe slow,  
You give me the strength to reject the things I'm supposed to decline.  
Put me on such a high it's close to divine,  
So whenever I'm with you I find myself smiling for no particular reason,  
Most of the time.  
Because whenever I'm with you I find myself smiling for no particular reason,  
Most of the time.  
Put me on such a high it's close to divine,  
I ain't leaving you for nothing.  
Listen..."  
He paused took a deep breathe and looked to his friend.  
"Zayn that's brilliant!"  
"You think?"  
"Absolutely. Clever boy."  
Zayn seemed to bask in Harrys praise, a smile in his eyes the entire time. It made Harry's heart soar.  
"Who's the end bit about? Perrie?" Harry asked after they'd played with it for an hour, putting a very basic guitar melody over the top of it.  
"No. Erm the whole thing is about you actually."  
The way Haz's heart reacted was overwhelming. It flipped and hammered and he had no words. He wanted to kiss Zayn. More than he'd ever wanted anything. But he couldn't. It was the last thing Zayn needed right now.  
"Come here," Zayn instructed as he lay back. When Harry joined him he wrapped him in the covers and his arms.  
"Your friendship has meant so much to me Harry. You've made me come out of myself. I just wish I was more like you."  
"Zayn you're perfect. 100% exactly as you are, you are perfect."

They drifted off again until Harry woke to find himself in a mess of tangled limbs. The proximity to his bandmate was killing him. He had a raging morning glory and was terrified Zayn would move and feel it.  
He did. Suddenly Zayn's arse was moving against him slowly, so gently Harry wouldn't have felt it if he wasn't hyper sensitive. Zayn increased the pace, and Harry pressed into him sharply. He didn't mean to but his hips had jutted forward involuntarily. He was holding his breath, bitting down on his lip to stop himself moaning. The thrust made Zayn's movements faster, more confident. Harry had no idea if he was awake but he knew he should stop it.  
"Zayn?"  
"Sshh"  
That was all the ok he needed. He started moving with Zed, the cleft of his cheeks rubbing up and down his member. Their boxers impeded things but Haz dared not pause to remove them, the same way he he was scared to reach out and touch his friend. He didn't want to do anything to make Zayn stop. But somehow his hand ended up on Zed's hip steadying himself as he grinded into his mate. But there was a hand on his, moving it. Moving it to Zayn's dick. It filled Harry's palm, feeling heavy and substantial. He moaned and pressed into him harder. They reached fever pitch, a thrusting, grinding mess, when Zayn turned quickly and pressed his lips into Harry's. It was rough and almost angry and oh so hot. Harry thought he might pass out it felt so good, then Zayn said something that snapped him back to himself.  
"Fuck me. I want to feel you inside me."  
"No. I can't. It'll hurt too much."  
"Harry I need it."  
"Do me?"  
Suddenly Zayn had flipped him over and tore down his boxers. Fingers were in Harry's mouth so he sucked them and coated them in saliva. They were gone and inside him before he knew what was happening.  
"Shit you're so tight." Zayn spat through gritted teeth, too turned on to play nicely.  
The one finger in him wasn't enough,  
"More."  
"Fuck Harry."  
Harry felt himself being stretched and rose up to meet it, to encourage Zayn.  
"Wanna be in you so bad."  
"Do it. Now."  
Zayn needed no more encouragement and spitting on his hand, wet his prick, before starting to thrust into Harry.  
"Fuck!"  
"As hard as you like." Harry instructed, writhing into the mattress. The pain was there, but a background noise to how fucking into it he was. Sure he'd feel it later but the prospect of being reminded of this every time he felt a twinge made his cock leak.  
Zayn was finally fully in.  
"Shit Harry shit."  
There was a weight on him, pressing him into the mattress. Zayn's hands were around his wrists, as he kissed Harry's shoulders and neck, whispering in his ear  
"How do I make it good for you?"  
"Fuck upwards. You'll know when you hit it."  
"You look beautiful, all spread out for me." Zayn whispered and pulled out, fucking himself back in. After a few thrusts he hit Harry's prostate. Haz had been right, he did know. Harry made it quite clear with the moan that Zayn worried the neighbours would hear. It was fucking stunning. He wanted to hear it again. So he repeated, over and over, until Harry forgot his name. He was a trembling mess and Zayn was on the brink.  
One more forceful thrust was all it took to push the orgasm out of him, Harry spurting across the sheets. Zayn pulled out and flipped a docile Harry over. He straddled his chest and started pumping at himself. It didn't take long, especially after Harry spoke.  
"Come for me."  
That's all it took. Harry looking all angelic with his sweaty hair all curly and his rosy cheeks. Not to mention that sinful mouth. He released on Harry's face, coating him in stripes of his seed.  
He'd never seen any artwork, any celebrity starlet, any model that looked as stunning as Harry covered in his come. When Harry very deliberately looked him in the eye and licked at the bit on his lips, Zayns legs gave way and he fell back,  
He rolled off and collapsed with his head at the foot of the bed.  
"Did that just happen?"  
"Err yeah."  
"Shit. There's wipes in the bedside table. And condoms. Fuck we didn't use-"  
"It's ok I'm clean."  
"I didn't mean-"  
"I know. But just so you know."  
Harry rooted through the nightstand, feeling more guilty than he'd ever felt. Had he just taken advantage of his extremely vulnerable friend?  
"You ok?"  
"Yeah, you?"  
"I'm so sorry Harry. I don't know what came over me."  
The choice of words made Harry laugh, and raise his brow at Zayn.  
"Are you sure you're ok?"  
"Yes. I enjoyed it Zayn."  
"Me too. I needed that." He admitted.  
"Want a cuddle before we clean up properly?"  
Zayn nodded and was soon in Harry's arms.  
"We gonna talk about it?"  
"Later. I've not the energy."  
Harry couldn't help but smile. It had been as intense and exhilarating as it had been unexpected. 

 

"Hey guys, the door was open," Ant smiled from the doorway, waking them both.  
Harry made to move, noting Ant's confused frown but Zayn pulled him back, nuzzling into his chest.  
"Hey bro. We'll be down now if you wanna put your bags in spare room and head downstairs. I'm really glad you're here."  
"Us too."  
Once they'd left Zayn turned to Harry  
"I'm happy they're here but all I _really_ want is to stay right here with you. It feels so right."  
Harry didn't know how to respond anymore. Zed had too much to deal with without Harry adding to it. When Zayn had said 'I love you man' earlier, Harry had, had to hold the tears back for it was surely the definition of torture to have the person you love say they love you but mean it in a completely different way to you. Then they'd fucked and it felt like everything had changed.


	3. Vertigo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mention of suicidal ideation.(Not a big part but just in case x)

"What did I walk in on?" Ant asked Harry getting straight to the point. They were standing in the hallway, speaking quietly so as not to be heard.  
"I was holding him and we fell asleep. He's not in a good way mate. He needs a lot of attention and care. I've a doctor coming in a few hours."  
"He's that bad? How did you let it get this far?"  
"I've been trying Ant." Ant's words stung. Mainly because Harry had been asking himself the same question for the last forty eight hours.  
"I don't mean you in particular, I mean all the people you guys have around you. How did no one see it? What about that Paul bloke? Isn't he supposed to look after you?"  
"It's not Paul's fault. He's hidden it well. And you can talk. You guys haven't been around at all."  
"We tried Harry, but that Perrie has her claws in so deep."  
"You can't talk about all that right now man, he can't take it."  
"We won't. She's part of the problem though, I guarantee it."

Zayn was in the living room with Danny, feeling extremely unsure of himself. He didn't know how to speak to Danny, which felt so wrong. He'd always told the brothers everything, the conversation coming as naturally as breathing. Oh and he'd just fucked his band mate of course. His _male_ band mate. He couldn't explain it. He'd felt a need like he'd never felt in his life. It was feral, a desire so blinding he had no real thought. Just want. He'd wanted Harry to ride him, to fuck him so hard he felt he was being split in two. But Harry wouldn't do it. And when he'd entered Harry he'd not felt the feelings he'd wanted, craved. He'd wanted to feel powerless, just giving in to his base desires. Instead he'd felt a sense of rightness, of homecoming. And that scared the shit out of him. He'd cheated on Pez. How was only thinking of her now? But it was Harry who was here. Harry who had dropped all his work commitments and rushed to be with him. Harry who'd gotten his friends here, Harry who'd bathed him and arranged doctors. Surely that wasn't right? Surely it should've been his fiancé? But the two had always looked out for each other, right from day one. He adored Liam, loved their laughter and banter, he wanted to put Niall on his mantelpiece and take him down whenever he felt sad because the lad was a ray of sunshine who made the world better just by existing, Louis was his partner in crime, his smoking buddy, the one who he got into trouble with, but Harry? Harry understood him. Got all his quirks and idiosyncrasies, had gone out of his way to know Zayn, to truly know who he was. Since he'd got engaged they not been as close, or maybe it was before that. They'd stopped sharing a room and lost their Zarry time. The time where they'd stay up till sunrise talking about their childhoods and Harry's dad, how that whole situation had affected him. Zayn had told Harry about his faith and the difficulties of being mixed race, the community's reaction to his parents relationship and they both spoke of their sisters, the real loves of their lives. They'd talk about art and music and listen to Pink Floyd listening to how _real_ music could be. They'd even got a tattoo gun and tattooed one another. Zayn was just starting to realise that it wasn't just their skin that bore the others mark.  
"Zed? Don't be weird man. It's me. Forget all that shit that went down. We're family yeah?" Danny spoke snapping him out of his thoughts.  
"Always. I owe you an apology though-"  
"No need man. It's forgotten."  
Harry had given him his friends back, had know that there had been a hole in his soul that only they could fill. Harry knew him. Really knew him. 

When the doctor arrived and was led through to the living room by Harry, he, Ant and Danny made to leave.  
"Haz? Stay?"  
"Of course."  
He sat next to Zayn and held his hand. Then he realised that maybe Zayn wouldn't want that physical contact with him anymore. He'd not meant it in any way other than a gesture of support but what if Zayn thought it was something more? He tried to take his hand back but Zayn held tighter, throwing him a look of pure need.  
"It's ok mate, you just have to explain how you've been feeling. And I'm here. I'm going nowhere."

"Can you tell me about how you've been feeling recently Mr Malik?" The doctor asked after all the usual business of checking blood pressure and listening to his heart.  
"Zayn please, call me Zayn," he took a deep breath and looked to Harry who nodded encouragingly. "I've been feeling like everything is black, nothing that used to give me joy does anymore. I don't sleep at all or I sleep too much. I can't concentrate on anything. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming I can't breathe. I have this constant feeling of dread, like something awful is about to happen. And-" here he paused, closing his eyes, unable to admit it otherwise, "I'm scared all the time. Terrified in fact. But I don't know why. Everything feels wrong. My mind races, my thoughts not properly clear. I feel pathetic and I hate myself for being so weak."  
"Have you been able to perform sexually? Any erectile problems?"  
"I've not seen my fiancé in a while so I couldn't tell you. She's in a band too, her schedule is very busy and so is mine," he explained. Well he could hardly say 'no it's fine I fucked Harry here this morning' could he? Mind you, before this morning he'd had no interest in sex, he couldn't even remember the last time he'd had a wank.  
"I've not masterbated in a long time, I've not felt sexual at all. Until quite recently."  
"Your alcohol consumption?"  
"Erm I'm not really sure?"  
"I'd say he drinks less than most lads our age to be honest." Harry chipped in, "He smokes a fair bit of pot though."  
"I see. That will have to stop. It sounds as if you've been self medicating yes? The cannabis acts as temporary relief to your unsettling feelings?"  
"Yes. It helps me relax."  
"Any other drugs?"  
"Not really. The occasional line of cocaine, maybe a pill. But very rarely and not in a long time. The comedown just wouldn't be worth it."  
"Ok, that must also stop. Weight loss?"  
"Yeah. I eat though."  
"Any suicidal ideation?"  
"What's that?" He'd never heard the term. If the doctor had asked if he had suicidal thoughts he'd have said no but the ideation part threw him.  
"Stuff like thinking the world would be better without you, that your mates and family would. Thinking about death a lot, even just fleeting thoughts. Things like that all the way up to planning to hurt yourself, roll playing what you'd do, and attempting it." Harry explained "I know about it because of looking into all that and what to do about it when fans have tweeted about harming themselves."  
"Erm, yeah I suppose. The first part not the last. I wouldn't do that."  
He heard Harry breathe a sigh of relief. He must have been worrying about him hurting himself the whole time. Which made Zayn hate himself even more.  
"I wouldn't do that to you all. Never."  
"Ok Zayn I'm going to prescribe you an antidepressant for Major Depressive Disorder called Mirtazapine at 45mg. This is a high dosage, and the aim is to lower it when you're feeling better. It can have a sedative effect so you take it at night before bed. I'm also going to refer you to a clinical psychologist. CBT or cognitive behavioural therapy will be very beneficial to you. It's not the laying on the couch, taking about your childhood type of therapy, but rather a way to retrain your brain to cope with negative thoughts and emotions yes?"  
"If you think that's best Doc," Harry answered for him. "We're away a lot though, can he do telephone consults when he's not in the country?"  
"You'll have to speak to the psychologist but after the initial few sessions that shouldn't be a problem."  
"That's great, thank you Doctor."  
"I'll also prescribe a sleeping pill, and an anti-anxiety. Please only take these in extreme circumstances. They're highly addictive and with your history of self medicating that's a concern."  
"I'll keep them and only give him them if he really needs them." Harry spoke for him again.  
It was weird, having Harry there for this, but he felt better for it. Again he couldn't help but wonder how Pez would handle this. Would she be as supportive as Harry? Would she think to ask questions about what to do when they were traveling? Why wasn't she here?  
Things had happened so quickly for them. They'd been together for a little while when he proposed and when they'd moved in together but thinking about it now most of that time had been spent apart. But it's what you do right? Find a girl, move in together, get engaged, get a pet or five, get married and have kids. In that sense Zayn was very traditional. It's how he'd been raised and what his father, family and Imam expected of him. His father. If he ever found out about what his only son had been up to this morning! Zayn had no idea how he'd react. His dad wasn't fundamentalist, he'd married a white woman, understood that Allah teaches love above all else, but if Zayn brought Harry home as his partner how would he take it? What would the Imam do? Would the family be shamed and cast out from the mosque? Would his father disown him rather than have that happen? The truth was he had no idea. His dad wasn't homophobic but it's different when it's your son who's gay isn't it?  
Wait. Was he thinking about Harry as his partner? As himself as gay? He was engaged to a gorgeous women for gods sake! A gorgeous woman who'd dismissed his illness as him being a little blue. Who'd not called since that conversation to see how he was. Who wasn't here, when he needed his loved ones more than ever before.  
Harry came back from seeing the doctor out.  
"I've got your prescription. I'm gonna send my PA to get it, so it doesn't come back to you. We'll work out a more conclusive way of getting it for you on a regular basis to ensure the papers don't get wind of it but you need to start taking it today so this is the best I can do for now. And that stuff about traveling wasn't me being presumptuous about you staying in the band. I was just asking in case."  
"Harry, I cannot thank you enough for all this. For being here and taking care of me and putting up with all my crap and-"  
"Sshh there's nowhere else I'd be. Wanna paint?"  
He did. He hadn't known it until Harry has said it but he really really did. Once again Haz was showing an understanding of him that no one outside of his family had.

Harry loved watching Zayn work. He got so calm. Like it was the only time he was being still and just _being_. It was beautiful, the way he felt exactly what can to pick up next, exactly how to layer the paint and exactly where to put it. There was some hip hop music playing, proper old school stuff, Public Enemy and MIA and Harry let himself relax for a moment. Zayn wasn't suicidal. The relief, the sheer unfettered relief he'd felt when he heard that was breathtaking. He'd never forgive himself if he'd let things get that bad. They'd not spoken about the future of the band yet. Or about this morning. They'd have to at some point but right now it didn't feel so important. Not whilst Zayn was being still, softly singing along with Fuck Da Police. Nothing seemed as important as keeping Zayn feeling like this.


	4. Pay the Lay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> Hope you're all enjoying!  
> I'm in need of a Beta so if you know of anyone could you let me know?  
> Thank you :)  
> Love and Peace  
> Kay  
> X

"Then when he was 14 this idiot decides it'd be a great idea for us to crash Doniya's 16th birthday party and there was this chick-"  
"No! Dude! You cannot tell that story! We made a pact. This is meant to go to the grave." Zayn could hardly get the words out he was laughing so much.  
Harry had been listening to the lads tales from their childhoods for the last few hours and they were all in hysterics. Often they couldn't get the punchline out and they kept talking over one another but seeing Zayn laughing so much lifted Harry's heart so very much and it was easy to join in the laughter. He had plenty of Zayn stories he could've shared but he didn't want to talk about the band, was happy to let Zayn concentrate on life pre-1D. He needed more of this in his life, hanging with his mates and family remembering a life before the circus that was their lives now. Harry had he own thing going on, enjoyed hanging with the mates he'd made post fame, but Zayn needed days like today.  
He'd been ignoring his phone, except for Trisha, which had been ringing all day and whilst Zayn was with his boys it was time to return those calls.  
"I just need to check in with everyone. I won't be long."  
He shouldn't of said anything. Zayn's shoulders fell and the laughter died on his lips.  
"Zed it's nothing to worry about. I'm only calling Liam, just to let him know how well you're doing."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah."

The sound of the friends laughter floated through the open window whilst Harry unlocked his phone in the garden. Ignoring all the notifications of missed calls, texts, voicemails and emails he called Niall. 

"Bro what's going on? You're in so much trouble!" Niall answered the phone without even saying hello. It made Harry roll his eyes. Getting in trouble was what happens to kids not 20 year old men.  
"Is that him? What's going on?" Harry could hear Liam in the background.  
"I'll find out if you shut up. So? What's the score? How is he?"  
"His been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It's not good Ni."  
"Can I talk to him?"  
"He's with Ant and Danny, and he's laughing so I don't want to make him do it right now."  
"Give him my love. Tell him we love him and just want him to come home to us."  
Harry couldn't help but smile at Ni's choice of words. Come home to us. He loved that after all this time the boys were still home for him.  
"I'll pass it on."  
"So he's in no place to make any decisions right now. Ok, we can wait. As long as he's getting healthy. When are you back?"  
"I'll get a flight tonight I guess. He's got people with him so he doesn't need me."  
"Will he not come with you? It's wrong without him."  
"He needs time, we've got to be patient with him. Have you been dragged into any meetings about it yet?"  
"We've got one tomorrow. Liam wants to talk to you. I'm passing you over."  
"Hey man, Niall will fill you in on Zayn."  
"Ok mate. The four of us should sit down before the meeting, make sure we're on the same page. Let them know they can't bully us and that our main concern is Zayn."  
He shouldn't be shocked but he was. He'd been dreading talking to Li, really worried he'd be all business which would've killed Harry. But of course all he cared about was Zed. Liam was Liam and just because he was the one assigned the roll of keeping them on message didn't mean he wasn't compassionate, didn't love Zayn.  
"Yeah I think that's a great idea. Have you been getting it in the neck?"  
"It's not a problem."  
"I should've spoke to you all before I left. It was wrong of me to just fuck off like that."  
"It's Zayn. He needed you."

"Where is he?" Harry asked when he's finished his calling around. He'd spent the last fifteen minutes on with his mum. He'd needed to hear the warmth of her voice and hear talk of the family and how her garden was coming along. She knew something was wrong straight away but didn't push him on it. He was so lucky to have that remarkable woman as his mother.  
"He's gone for a lie down before we have dinner. Ant's in the kitchen attempting to throw together a meal, which may mean we all get food poisoning. Everything ok with work?" Danny asked.  
"It will be. We've all got his back, we won't let them try to pull anything."  
"We know. He's seeming a lot better, there's more life in him."  
"That's you guys, he's been carrying your fall out and now you're sorted it's a huge weight gone from his heart."  
"Yeah but what happens when we next see Perrie or her name comes up? Has she even called? Does she have any clue what's going on? I'm not going to be able to bite my tongue at this. She's meant to be his future wife so where is she?"  
"Zayn's not spoken about it, I guess she couldn't get away from work."  
"Bruv, your new album dropped yesterday and yet you're here."  
"I guess."  
"Who's gonna broach it with him? I think it'd be best coming from you. If we bring it up again it may alienate him."  
"It can't come from me. Sorry but I can't talk to him about her at all."

Zayn was exhausted but he couldn't sleep. His head had too many thought circling around. Harry had made him do some research into his condition after he'd painted for a while, so he'd be prepared for it and could try to understand what was happening to him. One of the things mentioned was circular thinking. It's when your brain lands on one worrying subject that leads to another then another and so on until you land back at the original problem. He recognised it immediately. At the moment his thought process was;  
My partner isn't here supporting me.  
I cheated on her.  
With a man.  
With Harry.  
My bandmate.  
The band.  
What am I going to do?  
One of the reasons I'm considering leaving is I never get to see Perrie.  
My partner isn't here supporting me.  
Rinse and repeat.  
The middle thought was one of the most disconcerting. With Harry. The main reason it was so unsettling was that it wasn't. The man bit made him freak out, but once he replaced 'man' with 'Harry' it got a whole lot less scary.  
His thoughts may be cloudy but he was also having these moments of absolute clarity. The realisation that Harry and he had been heading to that moment since the second he'd spotted the hipster kid with the scarf in the queue in Manchester. He'd looked at him and thought him a shoe in, saw his family and friends with their 'Harry's got the X-factor' T-shirts and even from that distance could see he did. That he had something extra about him, something unquantifiable. Something that Zayn didn't have. He'd not been wrong. When they'd been put in a band together and he got to know him he knew Harry was going to be a special person in his life. The others too once they'd realised that the band had the potential to go somewhere, that they all got on but Zayn hadn't thought that originally. He'd thought they'd go out in the first week or two and that he'd never see the others again. But he knew he'd stay in touch with Haz.  
Harry had seen straight through his bluster and painfully cool act. When the other lads had talked about kicking Zayn out the band because of his atrocious timekeeping it was Harry who'd had his back and fought his corner.  
They'd had these _moments_ over the years, and now that he was seeing clearly he saw them for what they were; two confused kids fighting the inevitable. During those moments, when they were sharing a bed on a tour bus or holding hands on a hotel balcony watching the sun come up, he'd glance at Harry and he'd suddenly be struck with an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling. _Need._ A need his subconscious had ignored and overruled but a need that nevertheless refused to go away. So he had. He'd pulled away ever so slightly from their friendship, nothing drastic but enough that they both felt a shift in the dynamics. It had happened, them sleeping together, because it was always going to happen sooner or later. Zayn knew himself enough to know he was straight. He also now knew himself enough to know he was attracted to Harry. To the person not the gender. That he could live with. 

"Zayn? You awake man?"  
"Yeah I can't sleep."  
"How're you feeling?"  
"Bit more like myself. Get in?"  
Harry smiled at him and Zayn suddenly felt very nervous. Probably because Haz looked unsure of himself, which almost never happened. He may be unsure but still in he got.  
Once they were yet again in bed together Zayn took a deep breath and began.  
"We should talk about this morning."  
"Only if your ready, there's no rush."  
"I'm ready, it's probably the one thing I'm sure about at the minute."  
"Okay,"  
"I'll go first if that's alright? I've been worrying about it all day and I've made a decision to just stop. No more worrying. I fancy you Harry. There I said it. I don't like men I like you. You fancy me too. Not to be arrogant but you do. Right now we're not, I'm not, in a position to do anything about it, I've got a lot to deal with and if we..."  
"Shh it's ok. I get it."  
"Thanks. So we wait. And we revisit the situation at a later date-"  
"revisit the situation at a later date?" Harry laughed and suddenly the awkwardness was gone. "Amazing! This is why I'm so into you."  
"You're sooooo into me?" He was flirting. Definite flirtage.  
"Shuddup!" Harry blushed and there it was again. That need. Zayn had to look away or he was going to kiss him. But he couldn't drag his gaze away, nor did he really want to. Talk about sending mixed messages though. Would it be fair to Harry if he reached out and caressed his check like this? Would it be fair to Harry if he looked in those beautiful green eyes and brought his face in like this? Would it be fair to Harry if he pressed his lips gently to Harry's just like this?  
No. But he did it anyway. 

It was a relatively chaste kiss but it kind of wasn't. Harry certainly wouldn't want to kiss anyone else like that. It was soft and slow and sensual, not the kind of kiss you'd give your mam. He understood it for what it was. A promise. A promise that once Zayn had made some choices and sorted out his life, the next kiss they shared would not be chaste at all. He realised he'd been looking at Zayn for ages, his fingers tracing the familiar contours of his face as the lad lay with his eyes closed, his head on Harry's lap. Again it was hardly a sexual act but it definitely wasn't something you do with your mate. It was, in many ways, a lot more intimate than what they'd done this morning. And for a second Harry allowed himself to pretend. To pretend that this was _their_ bed, that it was a rare Sunday off work, that they were going to spend the morning in bed getting over hangovers, drinking coffee whilst reading the papers and having a lazy shag afterwards, that they'd then take their dogs, Morrissey and Marr, for a walk in the park dressed in big baggy jumpers, before going to a dog friendly pub for a roast and a few pints. The thought was heaven. The thought was torture. Because it wasn't _their_ bed. It's was _hers_. And Zayn may have just made a promise but he was not currently in a position to keep it.  
"Sweetheart? I'm not asking because of this," he ran his fingers across Zayn's lips and watched him shiver, making his swallow thickly before continuing, "but because I'm your friend," He didn't know how to continue the sentence.  
"I've got to end it haven't I? She's not here." Zayn spared him having to say anything about it aloud, correctly guessing what Haz was struggling to say.  
"It's a big decision, you don't have to rush into anything."  
"Quite apart from what I did, which lets be honest there really isn't any getting back from, she didn't come. You did. You did and she didn't."

After dinner Harry had gone back to his house to pick up some stuff, so Zayn was using it as an opportunity to have a chat to Ant.  
"I'm staying in the band. For now at least, Harry helped me see I don't need to make a decision right away. I think the best way for me to get better is to be around him. He's been so good with me."  
"That's sick bro, I didn't think you were ready to give it up just yet."  
"I'm not," he agreed before reaching for Ant's shoulder, "You were right, I rushed into things with Perrie," he said with an apologetic squeeze.  
"We don't have to do this-"  
"I need to man. Because I have made one decision. I'm ending it with her.  
Ant breathed out heavily and placed his hand on top of Zed's.  
"You ok?"  
"No, but I will be. I've not exactly been innocent. Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Okay here goes...I slept with Harry, I like him and when I've got everything sorted we're going to try being together."  
"I knew something had happened when I got here and woke you up! Zayn, mate, you're straight. I'd know if you were gay. You aren't. You're just confused and he came rushing to be by your side and your girl didn't and it's made you think you've got romantic feelings towards him."  
"You done?"  
"Not really. What the hell was Harry doing taking advantage of you like that?!"  
"He didn't. I made all the moves. To be honest I left him next to no choice in the matter. And he said exactly the same thing as you about me being confused when I told him I had feelings for him. So I'll tell you what I told him. Part of the reason I threw myself into Perrie was because I was scared by the way I felt about him. Had always felt about him. This isn't some sudden thing, I know it seems that way but I promise you it's not. On some level I always knew. About him I mean. You're right I'm not gay. I just happen to really like a person who happens to be a boy."  
"Shit man no wonder you've been feeling depressed. Thank you for telling me."  
"You're my bro." Zayn shrugged, his heart hammering. Ant's reaction wasn't exactly spectacular but nor was it awful. He supposed it had gone about as good as it was ever going to.  
"It goes without saying that as long as you're happy, or at least working towards it, that I couldn't give a shite who you fuck right?" Ant grinned at him.  
"Yeah course. I wasn't worried about that at all." Zayn laughed.  
"Want me to tell Danny?"  
"If you don't mind."  
"Harry? Really? If I was into blokes I'd defo go for Liam. The dude is a major beefcake."


	5. Albion

Harry felt like he was walking on clouds. Things were far from perfect, but they seemed to be headed in that direction.  
He'd called Modest! and arranged to be allowed to stay if he returned to work the next evening with Zayn. So he let himself back into Zed's and was heartened to hear the three friends were all laughing again.  
"I'm back! And I brought pizza 'cause no offence Ant, but whatever the hell that was supposed to be you served earlier, it certainly wasn't food," he called as he set down the pizza boxes and kicked off his shoes.  
"Hey," Zayn smiled shyly, having come to greet him in the hallway. "Thanks for bringing food. We were just debating ordering a takeout and watching a movie."  
"Cool, sounds like a plan."  
They stood smiling at each other for a few moments like a pair of idiots before Zayn laughed and grabbing one of the pizza boxes went back through to the living room. Harry was worried that Zayn was going to change his mind, that it'd all turn out to be because he was depressed and because Perrie wasn't there. But when he looked at him like that, with eyes filled with hope and affection and an undercurrent of lust, always an undercurrent of lust, Harry didn't care. If this was all he ever got, if Zayn stayed with his fiancé or didn't but realised he didn't want Harry not really, then at least he'd have had that. He'd know for one brief moment Zayn looked at him like he was the future. 

"What're we watching?"  
The way Ant and Danny looked at him let him know they knew. It was a bit awkward but he pushed on. "Any ideas?"  
"Something with shit loads of explosions was as far as we got." Danny chipped in, jumping on any conversation that didn't involve saying 'So you like it up the bum then?'  
"Hmm, Die Hard marathon?"  
"I'm down with that."  
"I want to watch that one, the one with the song? Oh would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar." Zayn sung.  
"Hudson Hawk! Perfect I've not seen that for ages. Great idea Zed."

The four boys settled down with the pizzas and put the film on.  
After a while Harry felt a hand snaking it's way into his own. He looked across at Zayn with questioning eyes, who just shrugged.  
"I wanted to."  
"Okay then."  
"You guys are sickening."  
"Leave them alone, it's cute."  
"Will you two shut up and watch the bloody movie." Zayn huffed, although Harry noticed he looked pleased. It must be a great feeling to have your best friends be so ok with you all of a sudden declaring you're in to a guy. 

Danny had fallen asleep midway through the movie so when it ended Ant took him up to bed,  
"Night lads, put the radio on if you get up to anything. I'm 100% supportive but I really don't want to hear you fucking. Nothing personal but I don't want to hear Zayn with anyone."  
"We're not-"  
"It's my house I'll do whatever I want." Zayn couldn't resist saying, and the speed with which Harry's head whipped around to him made him smile. Not that they'd be getting up to anything. Not until he'd broken it off with Pez at least.

"Shall we head up to bed?" he asked after they watched a couple of episodes of Family Guy on BBC Three, and he'd spotted Harry yawning.  
"Where am I sleeping?"  
"In my room. Unless you don't want to?"  
"Of course I do, I just thought you might not."

They dealt with their nighttime bathroom routines at the twin sinks in the wet room off Zayn's bedroom, Harry nervously sliding a blister pack of Mitrazapine across to him.  
"Thank you."  
"That's okay. Take it now."  
"You want to make sure I definitely take it don't you?"  
"Seeing you like that yesterday, was without doubt the scariest thing I've ever witnessed. I just want to make sure things don't get that bad again. Which means you never miss a pill, you go see the psychologist when you get your appointment and most importantly you talk to me. We can face anything together, I can deal with anything as long as I know."  
"You're amazing." Zayn couldn't believe he was lucky enough to have someone as wonderful and supportive as Harry in his life. "I'm sorry for scaring you."  
"No. You don't apologise for that. Not ever. Just keep me informed."

Once they were in bed, Harry pulled Zayn into a cuddle, wrapping his arm around him as he lay on Harry's chest.  
"Perrie's in Paris tomorrow. I'm gonna go talk to her."  
"Are you sure about this Zayn?"  
"I am. I don't love her enough. And she certainly doesn't love me enough. Plus I want to be with you." He mumbled the last part into Harry's chest shyly.  
"Don't rush into anything though babe, I don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret."  
"That's not going to happen. I need to do it as soon as possible or I'm going to have it weighing down on me. Come with me?"  
"If you want me there."  
"I do"  
"Then there's nowhere else I'd be. Do you know what you're going to say yet? "  
"Just tell her it's not working I guess, that we'd be happier apart. One thing that I wanted to talk to you about first was the press and maybe waiting to tell them about the split. It would make the whole thing easier if it's not being played out in the tabloids."  
"Of course. And just know there's no rush or pressure for us to start anything straight away or at all."  
"I don't know how many ways I can say it Harry...I want to be with you. I've had feelings for you for a long time and I'm finally ready to acknowledge and act on them. Unless you aren't? Or don't? Shit have I completely misread this?!"  
"Shut up you idiot! I'm crazy about you. Always have been." He couldn't believe Zayn could have any doubt over that.  
They were kissing before either of them knew it. This kiss was different to any other they'd shared, they knew it was going no further, that it was just about being close to one another. It made Harry think of a life pre sex, when a kiss was the end goal and you just revelled in the feeling of the person you liked liking you enough to want to make out. Simpler times. He didn't remember the kisses being this good then though. As far as he was concerned he could deal with all the rhubarb and nonsense and complications of being an adult as long as the pay off was this good. But the reality of the situation is that Zayn was still in a relationship, not that Harry necessarily cared but he didn't want Zayn to feel guilty, thinks it's the last thing he needs.  
"We should stop," he pulls back panting.  
"We should. But-"  
"I like but."  
"We've already slept together. Kissing now hardly counts."  
"I knew there was a reason I fell in love with you."  
The words hung between them, all big and pink.  
"I mean-" Zayn's lips were back on his before he could finish.  
"Can we pretend I never said that?" He asked, his face scrunched like he didn't really want to hear the answer.  
"Never said what?"  
"Thanks."  
Harry tried not to read to much into it, he really did. Zayn wasn't in any position to say it back he knew. It still stung though.  
"Shall we get the Eurostar? I've always thought it would be quite romantic."  
"Erm yeah, let's take a romantic train journey to Paris where we're going so you can break off your engagement. Trés romantique!"  
"Oi! You know what I mean," Zayn's cheeks flushed and Harry couldn't resist the overwhelming urge to feel their warmth with the back of his hand.  
"I do and it will be. What exactly did you say to Ant and Danny by the way?"  
"I told them about what happened, tried to be brief but they wheedled all the gory details out of me-"  
"You told them we had sex?"  
"I told them everything. I tried to just say we slept together, that I felt differently about you than anyone else and have done for a long time, that I was only just coming to terms with it, but once they'd had a few beers they grilled me on the details. They wanted to know exactly what two guys do and how it felt and if it was different to being with a girl."  
"What did you tell them?"  
"That I'd wanted you to fuck me but that you wouldn't, that being in you wasn't even comparable to anything or anyone else I've ever done. That you were warm and tight and it felt so good I was terrified I'd come before you," he whispered it low and breathy, making it sounding so elicit that Harry could feel his stomach tightening and his breath getting shallow.  
"Yeah?"  
"Mhm, about how when you moaned my name I almost came there and then, that I'd never been more turned on and that I can't wait to try other things with you. Everything."  
"Shit Zayn."  
"We could-"  
"I want to, I really want to, so much I can't believe I'm saying this. But I don't want you to do something before you've spoken to Perrie," it hurt to even say her name "I don't want you to think about us getting together and feel guilt. I want you to think of it and smile and feel proud. It's stupid I guess."  
"It's not. It's beautiful, you're beautiful. I will always be proud when I think of you, no matter what."

Zayn was booking the Eurostar and a car to St Pancras whilst Harry booked flights from Paris to The States to meet up with the other boys. He'd text Perrie to let her know he's coming, settling for a simple 'I'm coming to Paris, we need to talk. Harry came to check I was alright so he's gonna be with me.' He couldn't help but add the last part, as a bitchy little reminder she'll let him down, and the reply he got made him want to swim to France to speed up his freedom 'what a surprise! Harry Styles runs to be by your side. I've been reading in the papers about him being a bender and I've got to say a lot of stuff is making sense. I think he's into you Zayn, you should watch him and keep your back to the wall. See you later Bairn x'  
Had she always spoken like that? All bitter and cruel? She'd never been Harry's biggest fan, which he'd thought weird because _everyone_ found Haz charming, but had she always been so bigoted? He remembered her casual dismissal of his beliefs, the off-colour jokes she sometimes told and realised he's maybe been a bit blind when it came to her. A little too desperate to live up to expectations so he'd overlooked things about her that were deeply unattractive in a person.  
"Babe? Has Perrie always been a bitch and I just missed it somehow?"  
"I don't want to talk badly about someone you loved."  
"I'll take that as a yes. It's your fault you know, I was so desperate to bury my feelings towards you that I jumped at the first pretty face that came along."  
"Not that fucking pretty," Harry muttered under his breath.


End file.
